


How to ruin your love life.

by odamaebrown



Category: The X-Files
Genre: F/M, season 6
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-29
Updated: 2016-08-29
Packaged: 2018-08-11 19:30:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,354
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7904815
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/odamaebrown/pseuds/odamaebrown
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Scully is jealous, angry and bored. </p><p>Please, somebody stop me before I post again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	How to ruin your love life.

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ScullysGone](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ScullysGone/gifts).



Mulder is having lunch with Diana Fowley. Yes, I know how this sound. Despite of my intense desire of kill her with my right heel, I should be happy for him, because he is my friend, my partner and dammit, the man needs to have more people around than 3 paranoids nerds and a cold pathologists (no cool, cold, I can't help my self).

I don't trust her because I am jealous as hell, I know (I know me very well) and I tried to convince Mulder that he shouldn't trust her because she has the x files now and we only have win... another desk. But the truth is: I want to kill her sloooowly. Pathetic. 

 

She came here and started to talk with Mulder, after say a polite "Hello agent Scully". I am looking at her breasts. I think one of her is at least as big as my head. Probably, one mine is as big as only her nipple. Dammit, no wonder why Mulder is so nice with her. I look like a baby carrot next to her. 

 

Thinking in this interesting questions, I have lost their conversation, until Mulder ask me  
"What do you think, Scully? ". 

 

I look at her panicked, no idea what they were speaking about, so I clear my throat and say a serious

" I don't have an opinion yet" Please, Lord, help me. 

Both look at me as I were green or something. 

"Really? " Mulder says." Scully, you have had lunch in the Hoover canteen many times, don't you have an opinion about the food? ". 

 

My mind immediately goes to the Canteen, with that fucking waitress with big breasts like Diana that always (always) flirted with Mulder. And, really, today is not my smartest day. 

" The new waitress doesn't have tits" I say. And realise what I said very late, so I keep a serious face as I was speaking about something very scientific. 

 

"Scully? " Mulder has to think I on drugs or something, but the damage is done, so I continue speaking as I were giving a class in Quantico:

" The previous waitress distracted the Chef and the food was quite bad, now, the food is quite better because the Chef is focus". I breathe slowly. I hope I sound convinced. This is Diana's fault, all her fault. 

And her tits. 

Mulder look amused but say "Are you coming with us?".

 

Ha ha ha sure, the first thing I thought this morning was "I hope to share my lunch break with Diana and Mulder and, maybe luckily, I will see how he holds her hands again". No way. 

 

"No, thanks. I am busy". 

Diana looks relief. Fucking bitch. 

The truth is:

1\. I am jealous, because of Diana. Mulder was soooooo polite: '' Scully, Diana has a case and she needs some help, so I am having my lunch with her''. 

What?... Sure Mulder. Fuck you pig. Obviously, I just told him something like "No problem, see you later". 

Professionalism is my second name. 

 

2\. I am angry: because I use the ladies in this floor, what means that I hear gossips, all the time. And today's gossip is that Kersh's Secretary (that blonde top model that never learnt to button her shirts to a cast level, for God's sake) has sleep with Mulder. 

With MY Mulder. 

 

So, apparently, his type included brunette and blondes, what happen with red haired, Mulder? Had you got a trauma or something?. OK, OK, I know... I am jealous, again, but come on, it is not fair. I have saved his life many times, I have fed his fishes, I convinced him that he will not lost his tongue if he eats vegetable one per week... Shall I dye my hair or what? 

 

And the comments about the gossip... Oh my God!! 

"He is not with his partner, she is so short so she doesn't have room for his"... 

"you are joking? "... 

" Nope, 9 inches". 

(9 inches? Really Mulder? Wow.)

"He has a waterbed"..."with mirrors at the ceiling"... 

"wow, that's so kinky...and hot"... 

(Why do I know all his passwords but I didn't know he has a bed?) 

 

"Maybe agent Scully is fucking with Skinner, that would explain much... "

 

(In that moment, I almost cried). 

 

3.I am bored. So, I need to do something... something... girlish? I need a friend, if is possible a woman, and tell her all this bullshit about Diana and Mulder before I become mad. I need to sit on my bed with my friend, speak and read a female magazine about stupid things; and eat chocolate and say many times how useless men are. 

 

But... How can you have a girl talk when you have lost all your friends? I think Byers is not still a option... Yet. 

Writting , I guess. 

So, here I am. My proper female article. 

"How to ruined your love life", by D. K. Scully. 

Outfits. 

Wearing black clothes is very important because

a) You want to look cold and professional next to a taller fucking Armani model (my partner). When a woman looks cold, every man dissappear, running, because they think you are untouchable. They will scare of you and nobody will try to date with you. 

 

b) Pay attention to use heels. You are a G-woman that works in the field, so usually, you will run between forest, mud... Apartments with ton of bilis... So, it is very important to learn how to run with Seven inches heels, in order to look severed and serious. And your partner will not have a permanent damage in his cervicals provoqued by lookdown. 

 

(Note: two weeks running 5 miles at 4am when nobody can see you at the park, with your longest heels on, and you will be a pro). 

 

c) Underwear: due the difficulties that this job has, your partner can see you wearing only underwear many times.

Maybe he will not pay attention because he is fighting against the cloackroach-man or something like that, but every man has a subconscious and he can/could remember. Be sure to wear the less sexy stuff you have.

(Note: Maybe the reason why Mulder doesn't like red haired is because he has in his memory that unfortunated underwear I used in Oregon. That would explain many things...). 

 

Family 

 

a) Your mother is your mother and she will always love you, and, for extension, to your partner. But tell/introduced/explain to your brothers about him if you want listen disturbing conversations through hospital's doors. 

 

b) If you want your partner's mother treat you like she were and bad/diabolic mother in law, tell her that his son is alive after his funeral, helping the mother in question to think you are crazy. 

 

Behaviour

 

a) I f he says "I have my job, I have myself, I have got you", you just smile and go out. Maybe squeeze is hand, a bit.  
But don't answer something sexy like "You could have me deeper" or romantic like "I couldn't stand up if I didn't have you". And never, never, never, kiss him. 

 

b) If your partner says something like "If it's iced tea is love", you have to say "it's root beer" and wait until he left to throw the fucking iced tea and the fucking bag away. Because you never know if you partner believe in fate and, maybe, to say the truth (Mulder, it's iced tea) can help you to start a relationship with him. 

 

c) If your partner thinks that his soul mate is a woman (beautiful, tall, brunette) that share his husband with I don't know how many more wives and she can change of personality (really personality) every five minutes, you have two options:

1\. Run away. A man that thinks someone like her can be his soul mate need 3 psychiatric, one every eight hours. 

2\. Stay but, never, under any circumstances, tell him '' Mulder you are stupid, a nutter and retarded. Can't you see I am your soul mate? ". Never. Remember: loneliness is a choice (and a bullshit). 

d) If your partner caught you almost kissing a man that you thought was him, never speak with him about that. Never. And if he says something like" But I am not a Eddie Van Blundht " with that poppy eyes, never stopped him, tell him that Eddie Van Blundht didn't seduced you,because HE is who seduced you every day and, under any circumstances, kiss him after said that. Never. That reactions can make you have a amazing night of sex with your partner, which you are trying to avoid badly. 

 

e) if your partner tried to kiss you before you are kidnapped, never, say anything after come back from Antarctica. Keep your cold facade and never mentioned it.  
If you try to recreate the scene telling him "you told me I make you honest" and he left, never grab his wrist and say "You were to kiss me, I went to kiss you back" and kiss him deeply and passionate. Never. 

 

f) If your partner says "I love you", under any circumstances kiss him/cry/say "I love you too". Run as if you had seen a ghost.

 

g) Date only with bored divorced or drugged divorced that are hallucinating because of a tattoo. That will make you think in your partner all the fucking date (or speak about him, or be relief when he call you asking you to chase a Devil in Jersey). 

 

h) If your partner steals your car keys, take you to a abandon haunted house and tell you a story about two lovers in that house, don't go to his apartment with your better and sexiest underwear and wrap yourself with gift paper and tell him that you are his Christmas gift, as you were thinking all the way to his apartment. Instead of, give him something stupid and fall asleep on his couch, losing your flight. 

 

i) This is the gold rule: the first year of partnership, it is important that your partner caught you ready to have sex with someone called Brother Andrew on a bed and, immediately after, vomit like crazy in front of him (your partner, no Brother Andrew) until you impressed upon the subconscious the following relation:

Scully-sex-vomit Scully-sex-vomit.... 

He never will be interested in sex with you because he will feel sick...  
\-------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

I am bored. I mean, Diana is my friend and I trust her... But, after all these years arguing with Scully, trying to convince her I am right... I prefer to speak with someone that do not believe every single stupid thing I say and ask for proofs and a scientific explanation. If that person is Scully, better is impossible. 

 

So, after a bored lunch with Diana where she believed my theory about why Batman is better than Spiderman (please, everybody knows Spiderman is better, how could she believe me?), I come back to my desk. 

Scully doesn't note me because she is typing her computer like crazy. And, funny, because she has a expression on her face... Like she is going to start laughing right now. 

 

I like her, too much. Bitting her low lip, smiling. She has a expression on his face like a little girl that has eaten all the cake that mom left in the pantry. She is beautiful, she is the most beautiful woman for me. I love her heels, her suits... 

God, I will kill for make her love without take it off, only pushing her skirt up. 

 

But the reason that make me love her more everyday is that she is the most difficult woman I have never met. I know I am handsome, I am not stupid and I know women try to flirt with me. But Scully, never. If I try, she just does as she hasn't listen or left.

OK, OK, she can be a pain in the ass, so sceptical about paranormal and about my love for her. I really like she make me fight for her, and one day, I will make her so happy. I just need to fight more for her, which it is a pleasure. I love challenges. 

 

She just saw me, she has jumped on her chair and logged of her computer. She looks... Embarrassed?? 

"What are you doing? " I ask, surprise. 

" Nothing" She says, looking at my forehead. That means she is lying, because she always looks at my eyes. But really, she looks so naughty....should I kiss her right now?. 

 

"Dana Scully, you should share with the class what's going on... ". 

 

She put together quickly, she is a pro in that, like run with heels. 

 

" Mulder, It is nothing ". But she is bruised, red like her hair and really, this is so funny. What was she doing?.  
She cleared her throat." I... I... was... writing... an... article for a magazine". 

 

"Really? " I am proud of her, why is she embarrassed?." About what? ". 

 

She clears her throat again, but looks less embarrassed  
" Behaviour. Umm.. And... About behaviour ". 

 

" Wow, Scully ".I smile" If you need something, I have all my books of psychology". 

 

"I will be fine" She says now, completely serious. 

 

I am overwhelmed. In five minutes I have seen her almost laughing, smiling, bruised... and I love her more and the same and more than five minutes ago. 

She gives me half smile, melting me, asks a quick "How was your lunch?" but she doesn't wait for my answer and come back work. 

 

Why didn't she bring iced tea that day? 

 

I turn to my computer, but an idea appear in my mind, so I look again at her. 

 

"Scully? " she doesn't move her gaze, focus on her screen, but raises a eyebrow telling:

" hmmm? ". 

 

" Can I tell my theory about why Batman is better than Spiderman? ". 

 

She opens her eyes as much as she can and look at me as I had two heads and say, pointing at my with a finger:  
" Mulder, please, everybody knows that Spiderman is better than Batman". 

Oh God, this is my girl. 

\------------------------

The End  
I made this!!!


End file.
